i am moving into my own place in two weeks. i'm very, very excited. it will be so amazing to finally feel home after all these years. to walk in the door and feel that comfort and relief at the end of a long day. to invite people over and enjoy good company, to entertain and relax. to start my life in a new way, to begin again.

i am so happy.

again, without internet. sorry.

also, i apologize for the angsty woe-is-me shit i've left up here for so long. people are assholes, it happens. holding on to shitty people when there are amazing people in my life doesn't make much sense anyways.

life is looking up in a very big way.

as always, given a taste and it is torn away.


i give up on being loved, or even liked.

it is an amazing thing to find someone who means what they say. someone who truly cares for me in a way that no one ever has. someone who doesn't even have the capacity to lash out at me with hate because they are at peace with themselves and life. someone with the wisdom to put my personal health and well being before anything else. someone who respects me, my life, my family, my feelings, and my heart.

how could i have ever set my standards so low? to allow myself to be treated as i have? to love someone so much and have it be meaningless? to be crushed, used up, shrugged off and erased? and not once, but twice?

when all this time he has been right in front of me. every morning, for almost a year now. the man who brightened my day without doing anything but smiling at me and greeting me by name. something so simple, yet so sincere and heartfelt.

if eyes are the window to the soul, his is truly beautiful. a man with an honest heart.

i am blessed.

my drained, scarred heart has cocooned. it is now filled with bliss and butterflies.


"can we be in love?"

okay, so.

a while ago i asked people for shit they wanted me to draw and i never got around to any of it because i'm a lazy bitch and my life is fucking annoying.

however, as i'm slaving away on this alien drawing (see: [link]), i'm getting frustrated with the monotony of my gallery as of late.

also, i have selfish motives behind this.

so, anyone who wants to swap characters with me, i'll draw you something--and i'm talking inked--if you give me your take on mother.

not familiar with her? you should be, it's the only other damn thing in my gallery.

[link]

and let's make this clear; it's a personal thing, a symbol of abandoned motherhood, loss, trauma, abuse, neglect, suffering, dependency, and a lack of self worth or value. she symbolizes everything about me that i find ugly, shameful, or grotesque, but personified as a separate part of me as a means to let go of what haunts me.

so if you're up to it, let me know. just give me a reference, doesn't have to be extraordinarily planned out or detailed, just enough so i know what i'm looking at.

and yes, mother looks different in a lot of her pictures because i frequently mutate her to symbolize whatever it is in particular i'm suffering from as i'm expressing it. hopefully you get the general gist of her.

on a side note;

i hope that my webcam has brought many people the joy it has brought me.